Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
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I can’t stop watching this.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
do what now??
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.