Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

O Wise One….

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Friends that check up on you >

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO