Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.