Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

spicy snake

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

Tastes like chicken.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]