Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
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This meeting could have been a pajama party.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
