[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
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A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.