[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
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Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza