COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering