Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Bartenders are just boneless bars

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Science memes

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.