COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
#dnd #ttrpg
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”