Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
😭😭
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.