Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Alexa turn off the planet
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat