Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me