Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

One venti cheeseburger please.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk