Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

every college guy’s fridge

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.