Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*