COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
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[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
