COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever