Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

A huge thanks to the person that did this

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue