Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.