Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
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Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I’d … I’d rather not.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
FRED: right
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes