Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

i want to work in this restaurant

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.