*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
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Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker