I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
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She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?
I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food.
Because I have no idea where sandwiches live…
Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane