Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

それは草

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that