Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)