Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Leaving the Barbers like

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.