Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
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Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Most Common Source of Electricity
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?