Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

My kitchen overserved me.

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.