Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
A decision was made here.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.