COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
When you have to use a public restroom.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]