Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

The French cow says MEUX…

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

my mom making me talk to relatives

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen