Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

Received some very disappointing news today

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.