Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer