Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.