Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

I’m not stressed

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.