Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
#have a #great #PancakeDay
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
If a snake ate a cake
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it