Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
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Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.