Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

😂👽

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.