Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
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Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Labreador
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”