Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.