Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

This January has 47 Mondays

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

Single worst piece of software ever invented

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.