COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
It’s on my to-do list.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
money maker
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Every work meeting this week
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?