COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
That lamp looks PISSED.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it