COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
You Might Also Like
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.