COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”