COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
You Might Also Like
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;