Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

10: I think I want to run the 10k

Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

A man tells his doctor he applied the haemorrhoid cream and got a nasty reaction.
“Where did you apply it?” asked the doctor.

He replied: “On the bus.”

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!