Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins