Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

is this store having a stroke wtf

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Think I pulled my liver

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk