Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.

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If you’ve ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you’re in luck today.


Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”


If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.


It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.


At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration


Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger

My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?

I’ve been on Twitter too long


*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*