Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
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Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Put the is in disheveled
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.