@B_poling82

Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.

You Might Also Like

@sammyrhodes

If you’ve ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you’re in luck today.

@kellysdf

Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”

@Angibangie

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

@Donna_McCoy

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

@pleatedjeans

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

@Pickles5366

Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger

My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?

I’ve been on Twitter too long

@Prof_Hinkley

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*