Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

absolute chaos

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

he looks great for his age

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”