Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.


INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?


Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.


Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.


– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”


Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.


Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.


[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
ME: What?


No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.