Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
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At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.