Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
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My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.