Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ

*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.