Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
very niche meme I made
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?