REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it