Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

The “research” scene in every horror movie

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*