Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I feel it
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
What if all the cashiers are married?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)