@StevieKnip

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

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@mandysparklerxo

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

@HushJared

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

@_Tempo11

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

@wittwitbarista

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

@Mr_Kapowski

GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane

@ThugRaccoons

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

@SteveSuckington

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

@cambuslad

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

@maisonwithapen

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes