You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes