Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it