COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”