COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
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I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.