A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.