Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.