Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
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If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
This is my bus stop.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”