Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
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Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
me: will I go to jail in the future
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
If you need any proof that evil ages you, Sarah Sanders and Stephen Miller are younger than Meghan Markle.
How I handle confrontation:
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.