Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

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Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?


Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”


me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register


I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese


Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync


“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement


If you need any proof that evil ages you, Sarah Sanders and Stephen Miller are younger than Meghan Markle.


How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*


Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.


Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.