Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
What about a To-Don’t List?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
reviewed some movies recently
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.