Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…