Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Arrest that man!

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

OKAY DAD

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break