Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

Is your wife single?

Stop sending me this shit.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*