Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on