Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control