@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

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@noodlegrip

[before axes were invented]

Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise

@JaneBadall

My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.

@Marlebean

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

@HereComesCunty

my kid is so determined to win an argument with siri, yesterday she said “night night daddy, tell siri she’s stupid and i’ll throw her in the bin tomorrow”

@JosesLovesYou

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

@Darlainky

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

@coryrichardson_

cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar

me: i don’t have any money

cashier: then put it back

me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us