Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Wife: What would you do if I died?
Husband: I would go crazy
Wife: Would you re-marry?
Husband: Ah, not that crazy..
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.