Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

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Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure


Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last




I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.


[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.


a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath


“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied


Wife: What would you do if I died?

Husband: I would go crazy

Wife: Would you re-marry?

Husband: Ah, not that crazy..


I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?


Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.