[before axes were invented]
Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
You Might Also Like
My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
my kid is so determined to win an argument with siri, yesterday she said “night night daddy, tell siri she’s stupid and i’ll throw her in the bin tomorrow”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar
me: i don’t have any money
cashier: then put it back
me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”