@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

- @mrjohndarby

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@Sassafrantz

[first date]
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”

@squirrel74wkgn

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

@dxxnya

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

@AndrewsNotFunny

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

@T_N_Crumpets

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

@djdarrellripley

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

@Fred_Delicious

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

@PerryFellow

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters