Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Twitter remains undefeated
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right